"So, are you cured?"

No, nobody really asked me this question, but I feel like it's on everyone's mind. That's the million dollar question, right?

Everyone wants to know what is next medically speaking. For now I see the medical oncologist and the radiation oncologist every three months. The medical oncologist reviews my blood work and checks for things like liver and kidney function and listens to my heart. The radiation oncologist does physical exams and pays more attention to the breast area. I also just met with the surgeon for my 6 month follow-up where he did a physical exam of the breast and lymph nodes - poking around for any lumps, bumps or enlarged lymph nodes. I'll see him again in 6 months and then after that every year. I'll get my next mammogram ~3 months after radiation (has yet to be scheduled). They typically wait at least this long since the scar tissue is still forming from the radiation. The real goal of my next mammogram is to re-establish my new "baseline."

For the handful of people who know how long I've been agonizing over whether or not to take Tamoxifen...well, this week I finally decided to give it a go. Partly due to undisputed evidence that it can better my breast cancer odds (despite other risks and side effects) and partly out of fear. I'm not going to go into further detail on that one. My pill cabinet is definitely larger than I want it to be, but I suppose I should just be happy that what I'm taking now is less toxic than what happened last year. Fortunately, Ryan has been proactive with researching and understanding supplements and every week he stocks my little pill box with vitamins and other supplements shown to better my cancer and heart odds and I have him stick that last little pill in there so I can try not to think about it.

I'm 12 weeks post-chemo and 3 weeks post-radiation. So how am I feeling? Physically I feel pretty good. In general I wake up feeling somewhat rejuvenated - as much as anyone who's kids wake them up too early can say. I no longer feel like I need to go take a nap every hour of the day. I've been running ~4 days per week and occasionally go to a barre class at the Y which I like. According to my Garmin device I'm actually a hair faster than I was a year ago. Not bad!

Emotionally I'm OK. I know this is going to take time. A couple women who have been through this have told me that it gets a little better after every good check-up. First every three months, then every 6 months, then every year.... I tend to hold things in because I hate talking about this shit and then every once in awhile something triggers me and I'll have a big cry and then move on. Repeat. Possibly talking to a therapist regularly would help, but you know what, I don't have the time to see a therapist! I have kids and a job and if I have any spare time I prefer to get some exercise which does a lot for my head.

Back to the question on if I'm cured. It's very possible that I'm overly sensitive and when people ask me how I'm feeling they're just genuinely asking how I'm feeling and not prying about the whole being cured question. Or maybe they are dying to ask the question but trying to be polite. It's crossed my mind! It very much sucks that there is no full body cat scan or blood test to tell you 100% whether or not your body is free of any cancer cells. You just have to have faith that the surgeon removed the tumor, that the radiation picked up any stray cells that the surgeon may have missed, and that the chemo took care of microscopic cells that traveled elsewhere. But no one knows, so I have to learn how to go on living without fear.

And now the hair, because I know everyone is curious. My eyebrows and eyelashes came in WAY faster than I expected. My eyelashes look good and I was able to catch them in an eyelash curler weeks ago. Some days I still fill in my brows a little - they're probably a little thinner - but mainly because I think I look better with more make-up these days to help me not look like a boy. Once the hair on my head is longer I doubt I'll fuss with the eyebrows anymore. The hair on my head is growing in well. It's still a buzz-cut but I'm well on my way to pixie. It's too early to tell on texture whether it will be curly or straight but if I had to guess I'd say straight. Unfortunately the color left a lot to be desired. It came back very grey-brown. I'd best describe it as "grey-mouse brown." I'm sure if you toured the hair color aisle at the grocery store you will not find "grey-mouse brown." So yesterday I had an appointment with my stylist and colored it a little darker and richer color. I like brunette pixie's and am looking forward to one of my own.