Day 3, Chin Up

I'm doing better today, my emotions are in check and I'm focused on the task at hand - recovering from my last round of chemo. Reese is out of school due to parent-teacher conferences so today we're watching Annie together for the first time. :)

Day 2, No Celebrations Here

You'd think that I'd be thrilled that the chemo is over, and I am, but I'm far from being in any state of jubilation. My discussion with the nurse practitioner awakened a sleeping giant and I am still struggling with turning the waterworks off. I'm angry that my doctor was not available for my last pre-chemo appointment as he knows me better and probably would have known that he was walking into a mine field by bringing up some of the things she did. It really could have waited until my next appointment in a few weeks after I'm through the worst of the physical issues from the chemo. She really should have just let me rejoice in the accomplishment of finishing chemo.

It's not sobbing, I just can't get my eyes to stop watering with emotion. It's been awhile since I've cried and I suppose maybe it's healthy to release some of these emotions. I've spent the last several months shelving many emotions just to get through the chemo and now I'm moving on to the next phases. My treatment and recovery are not over, far from it. It's going to take years to learn how to cope and carry on with the "high risk" label because of my diagnosis at a young age and all the recommendations that go with it.

Sorry such a buzzkill. The only bright side that I have to report is that after several weeks of Lilly sleeping in a new nest in the back of our closet, last night she decided to snuggle up and spoon with me all night long. Nice to have the company during a restless night. Pets truly are amazing.

Chemo #8, Day 1

Despite my cold my blood counts were good enough to go. Finally, the last day of chemo. I finished on schedule with no delays in treatment and no dose reductions - no small feat.

I'm doing just OK as I'm trying to shut the waterworks off. Maybe I'm somewhat emotional about this hell finally being over, but mostly I think it's because the nurse practitioner that we met with this morning pushed a hot button for me. (An issue that I'm not yet ready to discuss.) Why couldn't she have just let it go and let me get over one hurdle before bringing up new ones?

The last bag of poison

Day Before Last Chemo and Radiation Schedule

I am definitely fighting a mild cold, so there were no bike rides this weekend on my "good days." Best I could do was a hike and walk around the block. We also hosted a small birthday party for Reese, both she and Nash had a very good time. Praying that my blood counts are good enough tomorrow to get this over with, though I imagine I'll probably have this cold for the next couple weeks after I get knocked back down again. My body is so ready for this to be over with. I'm so fatigued and my muscles are so weak. My skin and lips are so dry - over the last week I've been drinking more water than I have my entire life, several days I've got 100 ounces down which is a LOT of water for someone my size, and yet my skin is still so dry. My lips feel like I haven't drank in days and yesterday I put some makeup on my face to try to hide the bags under my eyes for Reese's party and I couldn't wait to take it off and slather on moisturizer when the last guests left as the makeup made it feel even more dry. On top of that Ryan and I went out for my favorite Thai food on Saturday night and ever since I've been a puffy mess. I really do look like hell.

Here's an update on the radiation schedule. Last week I had my first appointment with the radiation oncologist, whom I really liked. Not that I'm excited about more abuse, but I'm excited to get this all over with. I'm also financially driven to get this all over with in 2014. Although I'm thankful for my insurance - without it I suspect the total bill would have been around $300K-$400K - we still have a high-deductible healthcare plan that has cost us plenty of money. Cancer treatments are insanely expensive and I bet I could meet the maximum out-of-pocket amount in a week, which would double the cost for us. That would be so depressing and I'd much rather spend that money doing good things with my family next year. After I finish chemo there are 9.5 weeks left in the year, with 6.5 weeks of radiation. The radiation oncologist prefers that patients recover for at least a month before starting radiation, but she understood my request and agreed to starting after just 3 weeks. The biggest short-term side effects (I won't mention the rare, but possible, long-term side effects) with radiation is a wicked burn on my shrunken breast and fatigue, though my doctor told me that usually her patients who haven't gone through chemo complain most about the fatigue. Apparently chemo patients have actually commented that they feel more energized during radiation, which is not actually the case but it's just that the chemo is finally starting to get out of the body. She explained it like you're running at 50% on chemo and that by the time radiation starts you might be at 70%, but nothing will ever bump you back down to 50%. I can only hope this is the case and that being at 70% will feel good.

So assuming chemo goes as planned tomorrow, I will start radiation on November 17 and end on December 31. Happy New Year to me, right? I'll go in 5 days/wk which leaves us trapped here in Boise for the holidays. Thankfully we will have my parents here for a week at Thanksgiving and my in-laws here again for Christmas to keep us company and help out.

Send Prayers for Good Health

It's that time of year. The kids started bringing home runny noses last week and sneezes have continued since then, though no major illnesses. Then we heard that head lice is running around school. Yuck! Then a few days ago Ryan came down with something - fatigue, runny nose, sore throat - and the poor guy has been sleeping in the office on an air mattress to try to spare me the bug. 

I made it out for a bike ride yesterday afternoon, though it was very short as I felt more fatigued than a couple weeks ago. Today I definitely seemed more fatigued than a normal day 10 and now and then can feel a slight ache in my throat. Am drinking lots of warm tea and taking vitamin C now - despite the fact that doctors don't like you to take antioxidant supplements while on chemo.....God forbid the vitamin C hurt the chemo!!! A controversial chemo recommendation that I give or take. Will be early to bed tonight and more rest tomorrow. Send prayers for good health so that next Tuesday's chemo will not be delayed - we all need this to be over.

Chemo #7, Day 9

There is definitely a pattern which makes me a good guesser. Sunday (day 6) was by far the worst day in terms of bone pain, and today (day 9) appears to be the first day with a noticeable decrease. I should be able to motivate for a short bike ride today which always helps me feel that much better. Never underestimate the power of endorphins.

In terms of other good news that will hopefully help me through the final push, yesterday I discovered that my insurance plan covers up to 15 acupuncture visits per year. Sad that I just now discovered this, but at least I did figure it out. Early on I had made a couple visits to get acupuncture in efforts to relieve the bone pain from the shot - it was relaxing but no match for the shot. I quit going because I was too utterly exhausted to drag myself to the acupuncturist and pay more money for something that wasn't actually solving the problem. Acupuncture is so subtle and gentle, I suppose there was no way that going once every 2 weeks was ever going to solve anything.The next three weeks will be a great experiment to see how much regular acupuncture treatments can make a difference as I know what it feels like without it.  The added bonus is that I LOVE the acupuncturist - he is calm, compassionate and overall very genuine person.

Chemo #7, Day 2/3

Recovering today after a rough night after chemo #7. The past two times after the T I experienced tingling in my forearms the evening after the chemo, but this time around I had tingling all over my body the entire night - my forearms, wrists, hands, calves, shins, feet, scalp and cheeks. On top of the restlessness of the steroid and the hot flashes I got very little sleep. By the next day most of the tingling was gone and after talking to a nurse she suggested it may have been an allergic reaction and she may be correct as the last two times I started taking my Claritin to combat the upcoming bone pain from the shot, and this time around I forgot to take it so that would have been the only difference. Even with my neatly packed pill box, which Ryan methodically fills with supplements weekly, I have so many pills that I have a hard time keeping things straight.

The kids are at school now and I will try to rest as much as I can while I enjoy the effects of the steroid on the bone pain from the shot. Nurse Lilly is at my side as we speak. By this evening I will begin tapering from the steroid again cause my stomach will have had enough and the bone pain from the chemo will start ramping up in the next couple days again, if like last time peaking around day 6. Counting the days...

The Wind Beneath My Eyebrows

On Friday (day 10) the bone pain subsided enough to get out on my bike for a short ride. It felt good but my enthusiasm was crushed when I got home to shower and noticed a patch of eyebrows missing. I literally went so fast I blew my fucking eyebrows off. The good majority of hair on my entire body is gone, but up until this point I've managed to maintain a few eyelashes and a good majority of my beloved eyebrows so I was hopeful they were here to stay. Over the weekend I started to do some research on Biotin supplements, Latisse, and Rogaine as I'm eager to start the regrowth process next month. Unfortunately while doing my research I discovered that it is not uncommon to keep your eyebrows during chemo and then have them fall out afterwards, and for some reason 3 months is a magic number. Since then there have been other eyebrow and eyelash casualties, so I suspect that after the next round they will have had enough of the chemo just like the rest of my hair follicles. This sucks. I'm not one for lots of makeup, but I'm going to have to learn. Yesterday at the grocery store I noticed the young 20-something checker who has beautiful, natural looking makeup with pencil on her brows and was tempted to ask a complete stranger for a lesson. If any of my local friends know any experts in penciled in eyebrows and eyeliner please let me know. There is a makeup class through the hospital I suppose too.

On the plus side it felt so good to ride my bike, though after 4 months of inactivity since my surgery I'm so damn slow. I even made it to the nearby trailhead and rode the easy part of singletrack home. There's nothing like being back on the bike with loud and sometimes angry music blasting through your head. On the way down the road I rode my brakes like an old lady so spare my poor eyebrows, efforts that are probably futile. After today only one more to go....help me to soldier on and not dwell in the vanity of cancer treatment, and just embrace the fact that a month from now I will regularly be enjoying the things that I love most.

Day 6, Same Old

Looking back at my blog from 2 weeks ago is like a total repeat. As soon as I get off the steroid the joint pain ramps way up again. Only modification is that this time I quit the steroid a day early due to my sour stomach and wanting to get a good nights sleep. Fortunately the kids are back in school and I have more rest/quiet time. If like last time, by day 9 or 10 the bone pain will die down a bit and I should feel better for the weekend. Right now I just cringe at the thought of anyone touching me, though I do still muscle through Nash's morning "family hug" request before school.

Day 2/3, No Hugs Please

Just when I have a few "good days" I'm quickly reminded that this isn't over yet and that I still have 3 solid weeks of this horrible bone pain, among other things. The bone pain set in yesterday afternoon only a few hours after the shot so I'm not sure if the shot kicked in faster or if it's from the chemo, maybe both. I started the steroid again last night and woke up with the pain level bumped down a notch. The steroid has it's own undesirable side effects (I'm very tired, but cannot sleep) but it is such a relief to have found something that bumps to pain down to a more tolerable level.

Chemo #6, Day 1

From the waiting room on round #6..... First an update since I took a vacation from blogging. The past several days I've been feeling better than I have been. The joint pain was pretty much gone by last Friday/Saturday and we had a good weekend. We rented a vacation rental in nearby McCall for a couple nights over the weekend which was a nice, much needed getaway. We ate cinnamon rolls and made chocolate cookies, relaxed the video reins and let the kids watch 3 Disney movies, and went for a family bike ride.

Also, the past two days I felt a decrease in fogginess in my head and trusted myself for a couple short rides. I've never been so proud and happy for riding 3 & 6 miles on a paved road! As I was riding up the road (very slowly) I laughed to myself about how many times I have probably said/thought the words "I think I'm going to have a heart attack!" while riding a bike, and that now I am actually probably at a greater risk for having a heart attack after the drugs that I've been on. How's that for motivation to take it easy. I talked about this with my Dr. today and how I will probably always be afraid to exercise vigorously, to which he explained that the drugs I've been on will not cause a heart attack, just a slightly increased chance of congestive heart failure. Details, details..... I'm being a little dramatic and he also has tried to assure me this chance is low, but how do you get that out of your head?

Regarding the fogginess....as I was going down the side effect checklist this a.m. with my nurse I explained that I've been feeling "less drunk" the past few days while behind the wheel to which her eyes lit up. I just assumed that it was standard and hardly worth mentioning to be feeling a little drunk while behind the wheel. Fortunately I do very little driving these days. Definitely looking forward to this being over and the "drunkness" to continue to subside.

In other cancer related news it is fair to say that I'm sick of being bald. I have gone "naked" all summer but with the cooler weather have actually started wearing my little "chemo caps." Amazing how much heat your hair holds in. This weekend when I had my headwear and sunglasses on Ryan told me that I look like I'm in the witness protection program. I'm now in search of some cute slouch beanies to keep my head warm. I will return to work in November and fortunately that will be a good time to sport hats in the office. I was doing OK with the bald thing but it's funny that recently it bothers me. Maybe because I'm feeling a little better now that I am off the AC, and when you really feel like shit you quit caring and don't care that you look like shit?

Now onto October. I get nailed three times this month.....today, the 14th and the 28th. With any luck I stay healthy and that will be it.