My Story

In October 2013 a dear friend had her first mammogram which came back abnormal. Although a stressful experience, thankfully her lump was benign. Her news prompted me to do a self exam which was something that I had not been doing for months, if not years, and I immediately found a lump in my left breast. I had my annual exam with my OB/GYN in January so I just waited to discuss it with him then. He felt the lump and explained to me that it was not uncommon for women's breasts to be lumpy and that given my young age of 36 it was most likely nothing. He suggested waiting for 3 months to see if it changed with my cycles and if it did not go away we'd move forward with a mammogram.

On April 19 I ran my first half marathon. The Race to Robie Creek, dubbed "the toughest half marathon in the Northwest" because of over 2,000 ft of ascent and 1,700 ft of descent, was super fun and I felt fit, happy and excited to be in shape for the upcoming summer.

Then the first week of May we decided to take an impromptu road trip to Portland to visit my longtime friend and her family and do something different. We rented a small apartment in the Pearl District in downtown Portland, ate lots of good food, rode the MAX lightrail and in the end our long weekend urban adventure was one of the funnest trips that we'd taken as a family of four. Looking back I'm so thankful we took that random trip before the shit hit the fan.

My lump didn't change and due to scheduling of appointments did not actually have a mammogram until the end of May. I was annoyed because my insurance was not going to cover the mammo because I was only 37. The first uncomfortable shots showed nothing - quite shocking since the chickpea sized lump was easily felt by hand. Turns out that young breasts are dense which makes mammos tough to read because it is all white, a good lesson on how important it is to do self exams. They took more shots and really squished things in there, which showed an abnormal shape and by the look on the radiologist face and her reaction I knew it was not good. Two day later I had an ultrasound guided biopsy and on May 23 I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma. A month after feeling so healthy and good about Robie Creek.

After that there was a lot of waiting, which is difficult when you just want to do whatever possible to rid your body of cancer as soon as possible. It's a lot of time to cry and think the worst. Since I was adopted and have no family medical history I went ahead with genetic testing to guide me through the lumpectomy vs. mastectomy decision which took about a month to get results. Then it takes about a month to get on the books for surgery. I had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy on June 20. A week later, I learned that the breast cancer had spread to the lymph node and that I would likely need chemo. Surviving chemo has been way tougher physically and emotionally than I had imagined. After chemo I will have 6 weeks of radiation.

The part about the race and the road trip may not seem applicable. To me it is devastating how quickly I went from being happy, healthy and able to take on new adventures with the three people that I love most. I just want my life back. After this diagnosis there are some things that will forever be changed. And this diagnosis has not only robbed me of the things I love most, but it's been devastating for Ryan too. Seeing your loved one in pain is terrible. Not to mention that right now he's unable to enjoy the things he loves on a regular basis because he's caring for and picking up the slack for me. It's so unfair.

2014 Race to Robie Creek

Wining and dining in Portland. Good mental note to buy less stuff, take more trips.

Days before chemo #1

  

Pixie cut by Claire, day of chemo #2. Shaved head completely 3 days later.

Me and my live-in support team. Hawaiin party planned by Reese and Grammy. Just before chemo #3.

Why Blog?

Because chemo is breaking me.

When I was diagnosed and began treatment several people suggested a CaringBridge (or other) blog site to journal and efficiently keep family and friends informed. Being a private person I was reluctant to blog about this. Also, I'm self conscious of my writing and I didn't want a any written hard evidence out there with ridiculous and depressing subject matter. Have you ever read an old journal? Yuck, don't do it. Just burn it.

The third round of chemo broke me. I found myself crying, laying in bed for days feeling physical and emotional pain. I called a social worker who I've seen in person since. She used words like anxiety and depression to describe me - words I'm not used to hearing. I hold things in. This is also hard for my family and friends who care who don't hear from me for days until I reach a breaking point. So I am going to take her advice and put things out there to see if it helps.

Starting on Wednesday when I get nailed again I will try to provide regular, shorter posts to describe how my day went. I hope it helps my friends and family better understand what is really going on, that it will help me release a little, and that someone will occasionally have a bright idea and words of encouragement that will help keep me going. Since my recent Facebook post when I was in the thick of the chemo and broke down a bit, I've received daily FB messages, txt messages, e-mail, and mail with words of support. Your words often make me cry, but they help me release emotions too and they help. So thank you.

My Chemo Treatment

My chemo regimen is called dose dense AC-->T. ACT stands for A-Adriamycin, C-Cytoxan, T-Taxol. This regimen was prescribed for me because some professionals have referred to me as "high-risk". WTF?! My breast cancer stage was only 2A, I am BRCA1/2 negative, and for the most part very healthy; but because I was only 37 when diagnosed (36 when I found it) they apparently consider me "high risk". Dose dense means that it is given every 2 weeks (more frequent). It is an aggressive chemo only recommended to those who are young and healthy enough to take on the risks - I should feel so flattered, right?

There are numerous short and long-term risks associated with this chemo. I won't name them because it's too depressing. I can only hope that the short term side effects will go away quickly after this hell is over, that I will be able to find peace with the crummy long-term side effects, and hope that the rare but life threatening side effects will not apply to me.

I searched high and low for reassurance that natural and holistic approaches were enough to fight this. Trust me. There are so many amazing stories out there where people have resisted conventional western medicine with great success. Unfortunately deep down I believe that there are probably numerous stories where this approach did not work. A very cold oncologist presented me with the statistic that if I do nothing I could be dead in 7 years. So I am moving forward as best I can with combining conventional medicine with natural and holistic approaches.

The treatment is every two weeks for 4 months. Assuming all goes as planned and I don't get sick or my white blood cell counts too low the schedule is as follows:

Chemo #1 (AC) - July 21 DONE!
Chemo #2 (AC) - August 5 DONE!
Chemo #3 (AC) - August 19 DONE!
Chemo #4 (AC) - September 3
Chemo #5 (T) - September 16
Chemo #6 (T) - October 1
Chemo #7 (T) - October 14 (Happy 13th Wedding Anniversary, Jenny and Ryan)
Chemo #8 (T) - October 28

On top of the chemo they give you other drugs, including steroids, which help control the nausea. I am still nauseous but to date I haven't vomited. I have been nauseous since July 21, just varying levels of it. The steroids have side effects which jack me up so I can't sleep, even though my body and mind are utterly exhausted. Then the day after each chemo I go in for a shot which basically causes your bone marrow to go into overdrive to boost white blood cells. This has HORRIBLE side effects. About 8 hours later my cheek and jawbones start to ache. Shortly after that every bone in my upper body aches HARD for about 36 hours. During this time I lay in bed as gravity makes things worse. I've tried Claritin, another drug with side effects that work for some people for the joint pain, but not me. I've tried acupuncture, which was nice but I didn't do it this last time around because I couldn't drag myself out the door. Only time helps with this one. Dr's are more than happy to prescribe more drugs, they all have side effect. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I hardly took aspirin for headaches, so the amount of chemicals in my body is so unbelievably overwhelming both physically and mentally. 

How Can You Help Me?

If I had a clearly defined answer to this question I wouldn't be here now. This is new territory for me, all I do know is that I need help. This is what I know so far and I will update this list as I go.

What Helps Me
1) Stories of real life long-term survivors. I need to see the other side, and have faith that this horrific treatment process works. Stories about 50+ yr cancer survivors, who although it took several years to ultimately find peace, lived the rest of her life with a a smile on her face. Stories about the friend of a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 31, hadn't yet had kids, underwent chemo, radiation, and 5 years of tamoxifen which was sure to leave her sterile, and now in her late 30's actually conceived and is due to have a baby in less than a month.
2) Bring me and my family healthy food. Even though my MIL Pam is here to help, it's one less chore to deal with and leaves more time and energy for good things. We have an account set up on the following food prep scheduling website: http://www.takethemameal.org/. The password is kindig.

What Doesn't Help Me 
1) Don't tell me that you or a loved one worked and/or continued to train/run/ride during chemo; it makes me feel like I'm failing. Not all chemo is created equal nor is any one person's response to it. Google Melissa Etheridge, a bad ass and amazing woman, and see her description of chemo. In 2005 she battled breast cancer and went through the same chemo regimen that I am on now, she made it through 5 of the 8 cycles and quit after that. Quitting chemo is a thought that goes through my head every day.
2) Don't tell me about what short and long-term side effect you or a loved one experienced while on chemo. I'm living the horrible short term side effects and live in fear of the long-term ones. I know you're trying to commiserate with me, but it isn't actually helpful for me.

As a side note, I know many of people have offered to help with childcare. So far I've taken up very few offers and want to offer somewhat of an explanation for that. We especially have lots of offers for playdates for Reese which is a dilemma that any parent of more than one child will understand. Reese is 5 (almost 6), has an established set of friends, has no problems separating from her parents, and for the most part is a very amicable and easy kid to have over. Nash isn't quite there yet. He just turned 3, is still mastering the potty, is just now starting to play with friends instead of beside friends, and now that he has started preschool is starting to make his own friends. This doesn't mean that he doesn't LOVE playdates. The problem comes when sissy goes on playdates and he feels left out and we're left with an emotional little boy who asks "where's sissy?" the entire time she is away. Playdates for Reese alone give her the social interaction that she deserves, but at a time when we need help it doesn't really lighten the load for Ryan and I.

Take Them a Meal

We greatly appreciate all the meals that our friends have provided over the last few months and have had several more offers so we finally got around to registering on a food prep scheduling website. As most people know we do have some amazing help here, but having a meal prepared once or twice a week would leave more time and energy for good things.

http://www.takethemameal.org/

The password is kindig. I've included some notes to help answer the usual question of "what do we like." I've also filtered the dates so that people don't think we need to be fed every day of the week for the next three months, but if you'd like to bring something on a Mon/Wed/Fri/Sun I think you can add dates back to the list.