Yesterday was my last treatment of radiation. It seems like this shit has been going on for so long and I did get a little emotional lying there the last 2 days as I counted the 22 seconds it takes for my daily dose. It felt strange to walk out that door knowing I didn't have to come back again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that...
Just like with chemo the finish line isn't exactly a big party, though it did feel good to celebrate New Year's Eve with friends and have a few drinks. Yes, I'm happy this is all over but I'm a little numb too. At times speechless when people ask me if I'm so happy. I don't really have much to say about it as I still feel like I'm holding my breath.
When I first started blogging about this journey I asked for friends and family to share stories of survival with me. I received many and found great strength in each one. The friend of a friend whose mother had BC when he was five shared with me that for a few years after
treatment his mother was burdened by a deep depression, which as a small child he was
oblivious to. Later in life he learned from her that the depression lifted years later during a family camping trip in northern CA. She had a moment when she finally felt OK again and she smiled everyday for rest
of her long life.
While I don't feel depressed, my mental health is still a work in progress as I tackle feelings of denial and fear. I still can't believe this all happened. I'm still trying to answer the question of why this happened - I need to stop trying to answer that question. I'm afraid that any little dysfunction in my body could be a recurrence or a secondary cancer as a result of treatment. I'm scared that I won't be there for my kids as they grow up.
So yes, I'm happy this is all over. But yes, I very much look forward to my special moment in the mountains - or anywhere else - when I learn to release these emotions and gracefully accept the things that are out of my control and simply embrace what is good in life.
Your comment - "speechless when people ask me if I'm so happy." makes me think of something I wrote on my blog a long time ago-- I can't even remember when but it was probably in reference to Fiona's illness. I remember saying I felt like I'd just survived a war. Grateful to have survived but certainly not happy for the experience. And yes,... uncertainty for the future. All I can say is that I've learned to live with it. You just have to. Here's to a MUCH better 2015!
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