Chemo #4, Day 1

Writing from the hospital on my last 30 minutes of chemo #4. The whole process of the blood draw, meeting with the Dr., and the infusion takes about 4 hours. When we got here I realized that I forgot to apply my special numbing cream for my port and blurted out, "shit, I forgot my fucking lidocaine!" which the waiting room took in stride. The nurse iced it and was successful with her first stick, fortunately.

A week ago I had called my Dr. wanting to talk about not going forward with the last round of AC. His nurse called and said he wouldn't talk to me over the phone, but that we would talk about it during my next appointment. We talked today and he was willing to skip the last AC if I elected and move on to the T. I inquired if there was any data for cutting things short, to which there is not, and he just offered that the textbook recommendation is to complete the treatment, of course. I decided to go ahead with it. I don't want to ever think, "what if I had just finished...." After treatment I will have to learn how to live without fear of recurrence, but whatever happens after this at least I'll know it wasn't for me not trying. 

I feel really tired today and I haven't even left yet. My body is beat down and it probably doesn't help that the waterworks started yesterday. As soon as the nurse put on the cape and gloves my heart started to race. Today was the first day that I cried while the nurse injected the A. Normally the oncology nurses annoy me because they treat you like it's no big deal, like you're here to get a flu shot. Since I was crying and my eyes were red they were more compassionate today.