Day 6

Ugh...still so tired but will post an update while I'm awake trying to hydrate. The blog had been helpful to communicate, but I will say that the chances of me posting an update 3-4 days out of chemo will be slim, most likely none. I was in bed for over 36 hours with severe joint pain, among other things. I couldn't even motivate to turn on my audio book. I'm too out of it to write, nor do I have the stomach to sit there and catalog all the things that are wrong with me. I had a few short bursts of tears over those few days mostly due to the physical pain and frustration that nothing makes it better. The last couple days I had a couple tears that were more emotional, I think because I get past the really bad physical pain and then I'm really worn down, tired, and tired of being so nauseous.

Today I actually cried thinking about how I missed work (currently on short-term disability). Just another form of the "I want my life back" phase. Not that I'm the type of person who is overly excited to go to work, but I miss it. My job isn't one of those jobs where I come home feeling like I made life-changing accomplishments, but I miss feeling productive. I'm so NOT productive right now. The closest that I get to using my brain is every other week when I get my head back I sort through the mail and bills and evaluate our financial state of affairs. Mostly I miss the people that I work with. An engineering job may not sound very exotic, but the people that I work with are amazing, sincere, smart and many of them wickedly funny. I miss being a part of a group, I miss regular lunches with a dear friend, I miss the inappropriate e-mails!

Along the same lines of feeling so utterly useless, I seriously don't know what we would be doing without the help of my mother-in-law, Pam, right now. She is here to help and has stepping in as the second responsible adult better than we could have imagined. She's up at the crack of dawn helping Ryan with breakfast, deflecting tantrums, making lunches, taking kids to school, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning...on and on. I still feel like the kids are handling this well for their age, and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the extra family care. Having happy kids helps a ton with my emotional state as well. Any parent will tell you how quickly it can make you sad, or your blood boil, at the sound of your kids struggling. I'm so thankful that I don't have one more layer of stress on my body and mind. Thank you, Grammy.