Talking About Cancer and Not Talking About Chemo

My initial emotional dump on the blog was helpful, but I'm finding that keeping up with regular posts is going to be difficult. On the bad days I am too physically drained to even think about it. Plus there is so much of the same....insane joint pain, drowsiness, and nausea on the bad days, and lingering fatigue and nausea on the good days. I start to come out of the cloud a bit on day 8 and am able to go for walks, eat tasty food, and go for post dinner bike rides around the block with the kids. There is a definite pattern and the only thing that seems to change is that the fatigue lingers a little longer each time, probably because my red blood cell counts continue to get a little lower each time.

On the good days I want to put treatment as far out of my head as possible and don't want to talk or blog about anything chemo related. I don't like to see the word 'chemotherapy' on a book or hospital paper, I can't drive past the hospital, I don't want people to ask me where I am on the chemo path (i.e., 4 down, 4 to go), I don't want people to speculate that the second drug might be better because that is still yet to be determined, or the nausea starts to build up from anxiety. I just want to talk about what is going on in the lives of others because it is so much more interesting and controllable. What I am dealing with is totally uncontrollable so why bother talking about it when there's nothing you can do about it.

I have made some progress in the last few days talking about cancer with Reese though. Throughout this process I've been afraid to even use the word 'cancer' with her out of fear that she'd use it and someone will say to her, "I know someone who died of cancer." The social worker (& others) have recommended that I be more upfront with my kids about the topic. I was loaned several children's books and have started reading a couple to her which she seems to enjoy. When I read something that we've been through she eagerly says, "just like us." She isn't emotional while listening though I have to work to not get choked up from time to time. It will be good for her to understand that the treatment isn't going to go on forever and that eventually I'll be on the path to normal again. Plus, as much as she'd like it, it's good for her to comprehend that Grammy isn't going to live with us forever, LOL!